Curly: ‘Mummy, how big will Jessie’s tummy get?’
(Jessie is a cousin in England, soon to have a baby.)
Me: ‘Ooh, quite big.’
Curly: ‘As big as Rosie and Bella’s tummies?’
(Rosie and Bella are our Wessex Saddleback sows, soon to have piglets.)
Me: ‘Um…’
Smudge: ‘Mummy, are de piglets born now?’
Me: ‘No, the piglets aren’t born yet, in a few weeks.’
Smudge: ‘Mummy, how de piglets get out dere mummy’s tummy?’
Me: ‘Um, well they pop out of their mummy’s fanny.’
(We believe a pragmatic approach is best when discussing body parts and reproduction. Sometimes, this comes back to bite us.)
Smudge: ‘Like I popped out your fanny, Mummy?’
Me: ‘Yes, just like that.’
Smudge: ‘Was it a big pop Mummy, out your fanny?’
Me: ‘It was a very big pop, yes.’
Smudge: ‘Like diss big, Mummy? Like diss really big massive pop?’
I glance quickly over my shoulder. Smudge has his arms extended to full reach.
Me: ‘Yes, it was a very big massive pop.’
There’s a brief pause. I congratulate myself on having fielded their questions in a way that gave them answers, was age appropriate, used language they could understand, and yet was truthful.
Smudge: ‘Mummy, do mans have fannies?’
Me: ‘No, darling, men don’t have fannies.’
Smudge: ‘Do mans have babies pop out dem fannies?’
Me: ‘No, men don’t have babies, only ladies have babies.’
Smudge: ‘Why mans not have babies, Mummy?’
Me: ‘It’s not their job, Sweetheart. It’s a Mummy’s job to have the baby.’
Smudge: ‘Mans have job, Mummy?’
Me: ‘Um, yes men have a job too.’
Smudge: ‘What der job, Mummy?’
Me: ‘Well, they put the baby into the Mummy’s tummy.’
There’s an incredulous pause. We haven’t covered this ground yet.
Smudge: ‘How the baby get in the Mummy’s tummy, Mummy?’
Curly: ‘It doesn’t get into the Mummy’s tummy, it grows there.’
Smudge: ‘How?’
Me: ‘Well, the man puts a seed into the Mummy’s tummy.’
Smudge: ‘Where is de seed, Mummy?’
I’ve got a feeling things are coming to a head now.
Me: ‘Well, the man keeps it in his willy.’
There’s a pause, during which their minds can be heard working.
Smudge: ‘How he put de seed in de mummy, Mummy?’
Me: ‘Well, he puts his willie into the lady.’
There’s a long silence. I wonder whether I ought to explain further. I don’t want to traumatise them. What would be worse: if I explain, or if I don’t?
Me: ‘I know it sounds a bit weird, but it’s natural, and it’s quite good fun.’
There’s a bout of insane giggling from the back seat. We hit the edge of town. School is near. I grip the steering wheel and focus on getting there. Not long now.
On balance, I think I prefer the questions about pigs.
I think you did a wonderfully grand job explaining that. I think it is best to answer the questions asked and not go into detail ;)
ReplyDeleteWe go for a direct approach here too.
Oh, I am laughing now. Fantastic!
ReplyDeleteWhew, I'm glad I've had that explained - have been wondering for years!!! Your blog is a real hoot Fiona. Please keep it up.
ReplyDeleteGood job A.I.W. !
ReplyDeleteI'm sending the kids on the school run with you next week.
Now when they see cows having wheelbarrow races its all good ;)
Wait till you have boar piglets and the little blue rings are called for - can't wait to hear that story.
Oh I'm laughing my head off!! That reminds of a chat along those lines that my sister had with her then 8 year old daughter, after having watched several doco's of the wildlife sort..... "so Daddy put a baby in your tummy by mating like the animals? Hmmm, can I watch sometime?!!!"
ReplyDelete